Technical Finale

Assalam-o-alaikum!

It is with great regret that I break to you this news: I will no longer be able to blog at this specific blog, Ethereal-Melodies.blogspot.com. This time, things really have gone out of my control.

I switched over to Beta about three months ago and I haven't been able to log in anymore. I've tried a different server, a different browser, deleted cookies... everything! The only solution is to open a new blog somewhere else, or the normal version at Blogger itself. However, since Blogger says that it will eventually move all its blogs over to the Google-owned version, things don't seem too good for me. Infact, this is an issue plaguing bloggers from, both, Pakistan and China. Censorship isn't the likely cause - just incompatibility with the new version of Blogger! *Sigh*

I have created a new blog but I'm not too happy with the title right now. I'll leave another message about the new blog as soon as I'm over with my final exams, inshAllah, by the end of December.

Whenever my blog seems to recover from one virus, there's always a new one waiting. I know the inconvenience caused when someone visits a blog and finds it "dead", apparently abandoned by the owner. It's also bad when you link to a blog on your own site to find out later that blog is "dead" ...the embrassment!

I offer sincere apologies to everyone who linked to my blog and now has to remove the link. I'm also barred from commenting on your posts so I must commit the "Blog-crime" of being the "silent reader". Sorry for that too (Blogger is trying to turn me into an "apologetic")!

This post has been possible through another blogger whom I could trust with my password, heheh (just kidding). Directions to a new blog will be posted here in the same way, inshAllah, as soon as I get over with the aforementioned exams *cough*nightmares*cough*!

May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you, and rewards for being very patient with long periods of silence here at Ethereal Melodies!

Assalam-o-alaikum!

Ramadan Kareem!

Missing

Have you ever felt sad with a strong sense of having lost something precious, something so very close to the heart that now that it's gone, there's a void that can't be filled by anything else?


Sometimes, when you come across old photographs, familiar yet forgotten faces smile up at you... people you didn't realize you were moving awar from, heading in the other direction until the last thred of connection between you snapped. Great friends are almost impossible to find, I've now realized. You can't just set out looking for a friend. The only way we come across these amazing people who leave their marks on us forever, is by pure chance. It's only when - and if - you lose such friends that you realize that they couldn't ever be replaced, no matter how hard you look.


I had a great friend in school. We'd talk for hours if we could, about everything on the face of Earth, just like girls do. We'd giggle, we'd laugh, tell each other silly stories. We'd go around together, and while to others we were 'close friends', we never ventured to refer to each other as a 'best friend' ever. Maybe that had something to do with a sort of fear our generation has of fortifying relations. We always want to keep the backdoor open, just in case.


Still, that isn't what happened in my friend's case. After school ended, we parted ways - she stayed on at the school for A-levels while I went into the Pakistani Intermediate system. Somehow, we kept contact during those two years, but it was mostly because I could relate to her stories of school, some common friends who had stayed back, old teachers and school events. Alongside, I'd keep hoping that she'd be serious about a common University... dental surgery... so we could go together and pick up where we left off in school.



I don't know why I wasn't perturbed when she decided to head towards textile designing. Well, maybe it was because she loved talking about clothes, designing them, accessorizing... not that I wasn't too, but I wanted to pursue science as a career. She went on to another University and it still didn't pinch me that I was really missing something.

Maybe that was because I thought I'd make new friends. Yeah, make. It's very easy to make friends.

'Assalam-o-alaikum!'
'Walaikum-Salam.'
'Are you new too?'
'Yeah, what's your name?'
'Ameera, and yours?'
'XYZ...'
'That's a nice name, what does it mean?'

You could have dozens of XYZs and not one single good friend...the good friend you left somewhere in the past. Sure, I know lots of people in University, I go around with a group of two old college friends but there's always something missing there.

I've been thinking about that great friend for a few days now. I called her after I returned from Hajj in January and since then, I've maintained a policy of 'it's her turn, she'll call'. Is that right? Should we be so rigid, so strict, so lost in protecting our own delicate ego that we let go of something much more valuable?

I even saw her in a dream, where I was making her feel guilty about not calling me and I actually made her pick up a phone too call me right when I was infront of her. Pure selfishness, some would say. Maybe they're right. But then, I also wonder, she's got loads of new friends... cool new friends in her textile design university. Why would she want an old friend when she's got so many around already? There's sadness there, with some of that hateful green tint - jealousy.

I've changed in soneways too... I guess that was a different me back in school. A religious awakening during college rid me of some Islamically undesirable things in a person... it certainly changed, to some degree, my view of things. Exchanging romantic novel story-lines, listening to music, being purely materialistic... these became things of the past. Did I become a dull, serious person? No, not at all... but to those who knew me as I was in school, I was different. Too different to integrate.

So, it ends like this. I miss this friend so much that I've thought a lot about her these past two days. She was online on MSN but my mother was chatting with my father, so she left a message: 'Hello.....' That was it! Just one word, no more. I was annoyed but I was touched too. She hadn't forgotten me completely and she couldn't find any words to say anything either.

Now I've made her a card and I'm going to write her a letter with it. I'm going to send it to her as a surprise. We used to write silly letters to each other in school. It won't be the same as it used to be but I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I'm not going to let ego and silly things like that get in the way of a chance to talk to her again.

If you've got a friend you know you should have called a long while back, and if you feel the slightest pinch of missing that friend... pick up the phone and call right now. You won't know it and it would be too late. All that you'd have left would be a few photographs of happy times, all in the past.

Ramadan's here! Nothing else matters...

Yaaaaay! It's almost Ramadan! Tonight might be the first Tarawih in the Middle Eastern countries. I've got a new moon down there on the right side of the page so tomorrow, in theory, could be the first of Ramadan in Pakistan, inshAllah. (edit: First Ramadan is on Monday here, because the teeny moon you see on the moon phase box there wasn't visible to anyone but a few who said they might have seen something...)

Another tiny bit of news I wanted to pop in here was the statement the adorable, roly poly former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage made to the director of Pakistan's intelligence agency in 2001. Now that's something you don't get to hear everyday.

To make things clear, I still don't support Musharraf's policies or the argument that he had no other option but to do what he did after 9/11. When three-hundred-and-thirteen men defended their cause against an army one thousand strong, they didn't say, 'We have no choice but to give in and join their ranks.'

May Allah reward and raise the ranks of the men of Badr - both, the first and the last.

Not even funny now...

Yes, this isn't funny... it never was in the first place.

Everytime I say, 'I'll be back in a week' or 'I'll do so and so in two days', something always goes wrong, even though I make a point of punctuating almost each word with 'InshAllah' (if Allah wills).

"And say not of anything: Lo! I shall do that tomorrow, except if Allah wills." (Surah Kahf 18:23-24)

All I can say in my defense is that things really did go beyond my control.

• First, I came back to Karachi to discover the monitor, which had been making cracking sounds before we left, was now in a worse state. It emitted three loud, hair-raising cracks before failing to function altogether. By the time I was able to borrow one from my Mamoo (Uncle), we discovered the CPU wasn't working either. It took almost a month to get this contraption up and running again. InshAllah, it'll work okay now... though there's a problem with drive F.
• A few days after we returned from Tabuk, it rained heavily in Karachi, with thunder and lightning (which are rare here), and in two hours, water was standing upto four feet in our area, and adjoining parts, of the city! We watched from the balcony as water rose in our building's parking about ankle deep. The famous Three Swords round-about and all roads are around it were inundated for the next three to four days as water slowly receded and the footpaths became visible again! The problem was due to the recent construction of an underpass in the locality and laying of small drain pipes during the work. The storm water drains, almost non-existent or clogged with trash, failed to function and as such water accumulated in our area. Needless to say, the electrcity disappeared too for about 30 hours in our building itself, with just a single one hour break.

These days again, there's some power outage occassionally. The silly thing is that all this happens in Karachi mostly. Other cities of Pakistan rarely complain of such weird things as long powere outages in this day and age. However, Karachi inherits a hoard of problems from every out-going government and despite contributing a whopping 60% to the economy, it gets very little back in terms of services and attention. Fellow Pakistanis in the northern parts, for example in Islamabad and Lahore, are suprised when we talk of power cuts and water shortages!

One can only pray that the problems in this city are cleaned up for good. These days, the city government is digging in a posh locality, Bath Island, visible from my balcony. They're uncovering a large drain canal that crosses the locality, to clean it up and lay proper drain pipes. They say next year, "Karachites will enjoy the rains!" My response to that: InshAllah!

• I'm also studying for my final exams - the 'Proffs' - that commence in December. They do seem far away but with a load of Anatomy (the upper and lower limbs, and the thorax region), Physiology and Biochemistry to master... that's a short time, especially with Ramadan just around the corner. I've loved every bit of M.B.B.S. so far, and I hope I always will, inshAllah but the exam time is indeed testing.

And guess what? We've got to attempt BCQs... that's Best Choice Quesions... instead of the MCQs that normal, sane human beings attempt all around the world. It means that I'll have five options, A through E, all correct! The trick is to pick up the most suitable answer. Imagine that! We got a taste of BCQs in our Biochemistry second stage test paper... and it was a cute little nightmare in itself. Check this our for example...

Q. Cats...

A. Are quadrupeds

B. Are Carnivorous

C. Have slit-like eyes and can see in the dark

D. Have sharp hearing

E. Make 'meow' sounds

Choose the best answer. What is the best answer? Wouldn't it depend on the examiner on what he thought was best?!

So, to sum it up, that is what's been going on for the past month. During this time, I'm also trying to prepare for Ramadan in some way and strenthen my Iman. I'm also trying desperately to not be angry or irritated, especially with my mother, when something unpleasant happens. InshAllah, it'll be okay. The new channel, Peace TV, that I've been watching has really helped... some good character-building and Iman strengthening programs broadcasted by the Islamic Research Foundation owned channel.

Several interesting new debates and programmes on the channel by famous Muslims such as Bilal Philips, Abdur-Raheem Green, Ahmed Deedat, Yasir Fazaga, Dr Zakir Naik, Dr Israr Ahmed and Suhail Baghdadi are broadcasted throughout the day, making for good, quality TV. The only alternative before this channel was QTV, which, I'm sad to say, failed to supply authentic programmes in accordance with the spirit of Islam but rather turned out to be promoting a special kind (not that I say there could be a different kind) of Islam, with their own interpretations instead of sticking to the pure Deen.

Got to go for now. InshAllah, the blog should be back on track now. It feels great to blog, to be able to write down what one observes, and I've got a lot of statements to make here. Upcoming topics...

- Taking the Public bus in Pakistan... a unique experience!

- Innovations in the Deen: Khatams... being invited, forced to attend and sit in one!

- What to do when Da'wah/Islah fail to reform?

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatohu!

Ma'salamah!

Assalam-o-alaikum!

I'm travelling today, in about two hours, returning to Karachi, inshAllah. Expect a gap of, inshAllah, not more than a week before I post again. I see my previous post generated an enraged reply from an American, Devril and I understand that part of that was because I hadn't added that 'note' at the top of the post. InshAllah, I'll reply to you soon, Devril, in case you're reading this right now... the only reason I am not doing that right now is what I've stated above. :)

I'm going to miss Tabuk like crazy, I'm sure. I can hear Isha'a azan in the background, the last I'll hear in Tabuk, or maybe not, if Allah wills. I hope, I pray that we may return for Umrah one day soon, inshAllah.

But for now, it's farewell to the shimmering golden sands of Saudi Arabia! Thank you Allah for giving so much to me, so many lessons, so much guidance, and the chance to visit Makkah so often. Thankyou for letting me live in a place near which your prophets Abraham, Moses, Isaac, Ismael, David, Solomon, Isa (Jesus)... (may Allah be pleased with them all) lived. And thank you for letting me live where Muhammad (peace be upon him) also lived and practiced and preached.

Alhamdolillah!

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatohu!
(May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you all!)

Assalam-o-alaikum!

Dreams and Destinations

This is something I wrote way back in December, left incomplete and then finished off last week. Two people close to me have been mentioned herein by their real names and they've already read it. I thought it'd be nice to put it up on the blog too, even though it's too long for a post (but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it!).

This is a story, as of yet, without a title.

.::::::::.

I turned onto my side and yawned lazily. Random thoughts drifted in and out of my head, signaling the approach of deep slumber. There was nothing really to worry about, life felt good, comfortable. Automatically, a small note of thanks took birth in my heart and floated off to Allah.

I happily let my conscious float over the memory trunk and search through its contents. A pleasant youth, carefree and fresh greeted me, and I felt my heartstrings being tugged, gently and forcefully at the same time. A barrage of memories flowed forth, like a flood, enveloping me, as I thought back to my early life. Wonderful times I had spent with my family, each day, each moment relived in heart, and my fingertips tingled as I struggled to touch that life again – to hold on to it and never, ever let go.

I could not survive long against my memories. Youth was soon replaced by adolescence and adulthood… now the images moved as though like an accelerating train, and I a lonely bystander, awed and overcome by the winds it blew up. University, friends, teachers, professors, associates and then laughter, arguments, theories, plans, hopes, dreams, wishes, aspirations, pain, joy, tension, excitement…I felt every emotion all over again. Within nanoseconds, it was all over and I vaguely wondered whether that had been all? Had my adolescence tricked me? Was time so cruel?

I could not stop to mull over all that… there was more. Here, I felt my life turn a bend in the road. It was as if one moment, I was soaring in the air, and the next, I had dived into the sea, swimming through its depths, exploring new life and yet being held back by the resistance of the water currents. It was still beautiful, some might argue the deepest sea has hidden treasures that land might never uncover, and I felt every joy of life over and over again. Marriage… a new human being to learn to live with, a new environment and a new land, new air to breath in. Hardly had I learned how to live myself, and I was now guiding into life, tiny little human beings with eyes and noses just like mine.

There were strong currents too, in those times, when I felt resistance was useless and life would break apart. But things moved on, and every time I swam up to the surface and caught a glimpse of that clear, blue sky, I learnt a new lesson for the future, for a happier life thereon. I felt warm, comfortable... the wisdom of Islam had guided me at every point of my life, every point... every moment, every thought.

I smiled happily, my eyes closed, calm and content… my heart beat gently, softly…

Life was running along smoothly now… I untangled myself from my memories. I didn’t have to open my eyes, I could hear deep breathing, proof that the person with whom I shared my life, was still there, beside me. In the next room, one, two, three children lay asleep in their beds, dreaming innocent dreams of toys, toffees and ice creams! The house was silent, but outside, the shrubs and trees in the garden played with the breeze… nature’s melodies lulled life into a deep sleep.

Unknowingly, my thoughts turned to the future. What would the coming life have in store for us? When was my life, my test, to be turned in for assessment? As I thought of this, my memory trunk rattled and shook, as if making its presence felt. Was there anything left in that rickety old assembly of wood? I took hold of the latch and raised the lid… and… and

Sweet melodies… sweet melodies… a myriad of aromas… the coolest breeze…

I tried to open my eyes but a bright, golden light shone in the room, and I had to squint until everything became clearer. Like the light that filled the room, there seemed to be something glowing within me, making me happier and happier with every passing moment.

Conscious thought started drifting back… had I fallen asleep? Was it morning already? But the sun had never seemed so beautiful… it’s light had never woken me so…

I shielded my eyes from the brilliant glow overhead and then, two faces appeared overhead, blocking out the light.
‘Hello? Anyone home?’

That voice was so familiar! I rubbed my eyes and tried to clear my mind.

‘Anam! Saima!’ I recognized my cousins and the shock and surprise was clearly evident on my face.

‘No, it’s Twinkie and Smokey!’ said Saima, rolling her eyes. She was referring to her pet turtles.
‘But how’re you here? Where’s my family? Who brought me here?’ I demanded, confused.

Anam frowned. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
I looked up at my cousins, taking in their appearances for the first time. Dressed in stunning garments, flowing robes of enchanting colors and jewels that glittered even in the shade, they were looking nothing like… like… they usually did. What had they done to their hair? It looked like both had joined some cool beauty parlor that had come up with stunning, never-before-done hairstyles. A streak of irritation crossed my mind – they hadn’t invited me! For a moment, I was stumped. Then, I smiled.

‘I’m dreaming, that’s it! This is a dream! Cool, by the way, you both look fantastic!’ I beamed up at them. Then, with a wide yawn, I closed my eyes, preferring to fall asleep again, even in my dream.

‘I told her! I told her to go easy on the grapes! She’s so sleepy, she’s gone nuts!’ exclaimed, Saima.
‘She’s just joking, Saima!’ said Anam, with finality. ‘Come on, Ameera, jig’s up… let’s go… we’ve been lying here for hours. There are some places I’ve been meaning to check out!’
Saima chuckled. ‘Yeah, and you’re going to die tomorrow, so you’d better get your last wish!’
Both cracked up at this for some crazy reason. Why was Anam dying? And why were they laughing over such a serious issue?

‘It’s not funny!’ I said, confused and irritated. ‘You can’t just make fun of death! Don’t you two have any sense? Does dressing up and acting like you’re young convince you that you’ll never die?!’

I made to get up, but Anum and Saima were suddenly very serious, looking down at me with shocked and bewildered expressions.
‘What are you talking about?’ asked Anam, raising an eyebrow, at which I noticed she had plucked her eyebrows and given them a sleek shape.
‘You made your eyebrows again?!’ I blurted out, not wishing to believe it. ‘I thought you’d given it up for good?’
Anam and Saima looked at each other uneasily.
‘Ameera, you need to take a deep breath,’ said Saima slowly, as if talking to a three-year old.
‘I’m perfectly fine,’ I said loudly. ‘I’m just dreaming!’
‘And when you wake up, you will be… where?’ asked Anam, looking at me closely. Her jewels glistened and sparkled enchantingly.

‘I’ll be at home, in my bedroom, sleeping in my bed…I’ll wake up for Fajr, get the kids ready for school, college! You know the routine! I’ll probably call you to tell the real you about this crazy dream!’ I started laughing. ‘Why am I even having this silly conversation?’

Saima and Anum looked at each other again, and some weird understanding dawned on their faces.

‘See, I told you it was the grapes!’ said Saima, shaking her head. ‘Too much sleep…she’s losing it!’
‘No, I’m not!’ I said with growing indignation. ‘Just wait till I tell your real selves how silly you are in dreams!’

‘Yeah, but first you have to wake up!’ said Anam, suddenly, as, grabbing hold of my hand, she pulled me up into a sitting position. Saima moved out of the way and when I saw what lay spread out before me, I almost fainted. Shaken, I felt the grass beneath my hands, it was cool and dewy. My eyes took in a picture of indescribable beauty… lawns… rivers, falls, hills, gardens…no imagination, no dream could ever have witnessed this…

Suddenly, my vision cleared up, all sleepiness was gone from my mind. Truth, reality hit me hard.

I fell backwards on the grass, and my expressions must have spoke volumes.
‘Okay now?’
‘You were dreaming about your life, weren’t you?’ asked Anam, clearly intrigued. ‘Cool, that’s the first time I’ve seen it happen! I’ve only just heard of people believing they were still living on Earth! Never saw it in person!’

‘I’m alive,’ was all I could manage. The last bits of memory clicked into place and I buried my face in my hands on instinct, remembering that long process… years, centuries it had seemed. Long lines, accountability… death had not been the end itself! But we were past that! We were past all that and by the grace of Allah, by His great Mercy, we were in… Paradise! Heaven! Jannat!

I remembered everything. I raised my gaze towards the sky and wondered if the miracles and surprises in this blessed land were ever going to end.

I suddenly felt like laughing.
‘Come on,’ I said, getting up from the grass. ‘I’ve got to tell Amma and Abba about this!’
I set off down the hill when Saima called out from behind, ‘You’re actually going to walk on a beautiful day like this?’
I thought for a moment and then shook my head.

I spread my wings and took flight.

.::::::::.

I know! I know I should add this one word: InshAllah!

Everything's fine... right?

Have you ever had an experience where you were expecting something wonderful to happen, yet the outcome wasn't very pleasing?

We were supposed to go back to Karachi today. Well, it rained heavily there the last week, leading to some flooding, especially on one main street where I live. The important fact was that there was no college last week, and some chance for this week. Well, I decided yesterday, just before Fajr, while consulting the calendar, that we could move our departure forward by a week.

It was an exciting thought, and I told Abba about it as soon as I got the chance. He was okay with it, he said, and agreed. Yet, I told him, and my sisters, not to tell Amma about the plan. This way she'd get her packing done and we'd tell her towards the end as a suprise.

Well, keep this secret within myself for a day and half was difficult! Amma was rushing about trying to get everything done, even when we went out, we had to main an act of appearing a bit sad at leaving Tabuk. Well, ofcourse I am sad at leaving Tabuk but when I know we're going, not when I know we've moved it forward!

Anyway, our flight was supposed to be at 11:55 pm today, so Amma made us get up early and gave orders to complete our tasks. By this time, I was feeling guilty seeing the effort Amma was putting into her work, while being a worried about getting things done in time. It was difficult! And what's more, we were packing clothes and shoes we'd be needing this week here! What a waste of time.

We gave Amma the surprise an hour ago over lunch, when Abba came back from office. Okay, so she was suprised! And she did eventually become relaxed. But seeing her tense all day today took away a great big chunk of the happiness I was expecting. In fact, I am now wondering over the wisdom of my decision - not only to tell Amma the surprise about 8 hours before the departure time, but also the idea of moving the departure forward in the first place!

She's called Pakistan and told our relatives we're coming, she's told some friends (the ones remaining in Tabuk) that we're going. And even as I failed to notice, to an extent, even I had this idea made up in my mind that we were in fact going to leave today.

I shouldn't be this... confused? Sad? Regretful? I don't now. I shouldn't be feeling awkward anyway. Maybe it's because I fear I might be missing college, or that it would be difficult to be able to get seats next week? Or that our relatives might find it a stupid idea, especially when it turns out it originated in my head?

I feel weird. I shouldn't, though, especially when I've already offered two Nawafil, followed by a Dua to Allah to guide my decision - I did this yesterday after Fajr... after telling Abba to change the departure date. Should I have done that before taking the decision? I'm confused.

For you, dear reader, there's a lesson in this. A surprise may not always turn out as you expect. And for this reason, I'm now wary of surprises. I don't want any part in them anymore because sometimes, they come with a heavy price.

Assalam-o-alaikum.

End of Chapter 1

Assalam-0-alaikum.

Three days from today, inshAllah, I'll be boarding an aeroplane at Tabuk's old-fashioned, small-town aiport. As the aircraft will gain height, I'll look out of the window to see the little yellow lights become smaller, smaller... I'll have to crane my neck to see them before they disappear at last.

That's probably going to be my last glimpse of Tabuk and here's why: We're finally leaving Tabuk with 'Exit Only' instead of 'Exit & Re-Entry permitted' stamped on our passports. Ofcourse, we've known this was going to happen for years, ever since my father arrived in developing Tabuk in 1978, and especially since I, my mother and sisters moved back to Pakistan in 2000. You can't live in Saudi Arabia forever, you can't have the nationality, even if you're born here. Even so, being born here and being half-Arab (in all the things that matter) for the past twenty years, it feels weird to tell myself that I'm not coming home again next summer.

How do you get yourself to accept that the place you've spend your whole childhood in, every nook and cranny having some special story attached, you're going to leave and never come back? Can you imagine that happening to you? As for me, the whole thing becomes a bit more complex from the Islamic point of view. Tabuk is midway between Makkah and Jerusalem (or properly, between Makkah and the Jerusalem area). Lebanon is just a 5-hour or less drive away.

The desert, beautiful and serene surrounds us. In countless dust-storms, long drives and Umrah trips, we've breathed in the fresh, pure desert air that reminds us of life's true purpose and the messages of the prophets. Blessed with the olive and it's oil, this land relates to the Quran and it's teachings in such a way that it's difficult to love any other part of the world, if you've lived here once.

We've been packing and shopping this month. It's like a race against time to see everything, go everywhere, experience all the joys we've experienced here... one last time. Seeing our old school, the places we went out to eat, where we picnicked, where old friends lived... one last time.

My father will join us later, inshAllah, after resigning from his job and packing up the rest of the stuff after Eid. Our Umrah trip about two weeks ago, was the last in our own car, driving around as we wished. InshAllah, there shall be more. But it felt strange to say goodbye to the Holy cities, praying at the same time that we'd be able to see them again.

The reason we're leaving, in truth, is that our family has to settle down in Karachi now. Some basic jobs have been put on hold for a long time, and we've got to take care of that now... and my father's retiring next year anyway. For him, saying goodbye to Tabuk is harder, having seen it grow before his eyes in these thiry years. He loves spending Ramadan here and we know how much he's going to miss that too.

For a while, I was very sad at having to leave the place I call my spiritual home. But then, I had to focus on the bigger picture - this world wasn't supposed to be a permanent home... we're travellers, moving on from one place to another. And death will catch up on us one day or the other. The important thing is to be happy, and pray for good health wherever you are. Memories of great times will remain with you always but you can't hold on to time - you've got to let it go.

Last Friday, after Fajr prayers, we got into the car and drove to a park constructed along a major highway along Tabuk, between the city on one side and the farmlands on the other. We set out for a walk on the walking strip along the park - it was a beautiful morning, chilly (desert extremes in summer!) and it felt great to breathe in pure air, smelling of dewy grass in the farms. As we walked along, laughing and waiting for the sun to rise, I knew that we were all thinking the same thing... we were all learning to say goodbye to our home, the beautiful city of Tabuk.

Maybe I'll see you again one day Tabuk. Indeed I have prayed that I be able to visit or possibly live in Tabuk one day again. That I'd be able to call my parents too, on visa. That daydream went a long way!

While in Makkah for Umrah this month, I didn't like the idea of saying goodybe to it. I love Makkah with all my heart. But my father told me of something that made me feel better: When the Prophet (pbuh) emigrated to Madinah, he took a different route out of Madinah. When this road crossed the common route at one point, he looked in the direction of Makkah with great longing. These verses were revealed at that time, which my father also recited as we drove out of the city:

Verily He Who ordained the Qur'an for thee, will bring thee back to the Place of Return (Makkah).

(28:85)

Washed ashore

Yes, it really does seem like I've finally climbed onto the shore after some sort of trouble at sea.

I've been, what you'd say, 'missing in action' for a long, long time. Though the blog ban had some part in it, it's still only a small wedge in the whole pie chart. All the rest of the space goes to... mismanagement, disorganization and lack of direction and prioritization.

For some time now, I've been worrying about what to post when I 'return' to my blog. But that's stupid! It's 1:01 am and I'm writing this now, without a moment's thought about trying to 'restore' my 'image'. Hmm, that sound's stupid. So be it.

I started college in January, gave one term exam in March (how I gave it, I have no idea. Allah blessed me with the marks). Then, making a million resolutions about studying more for the next term exams, I worked but still lacked in many quarters... thus, in the term exams of June, I did better but in many ways, as bad as ever.

I've got July off, half of which has passed and I've got my books with me here in Tabuk. I haven't studied yet, though I know I should, but it feels weird. I know what I have to do, yet, I seem to lack the driving force. I keep trying to make myself aim, but I seem to have lost focus.

The real and honest fact is that I love what I am discovering in this field of study, day after day, and I see the application (having done the anatomy of the upper and lower limbs already) right before me. My issues are all psychological - from intense competition in the college to lack of close, good friends around me.

I'm not depressed or disheartened. But I am concerned. And even though I remind myself that Iman - strong and real Iman - is the most important thing for me right now, I sometimes see myself tripping over small pebbles on the pathway. Maybe that's the whole deal. I need to believe in Allah, I need to believe in myself. Being on number 12 on the merit list, I'm unnecessarily awed by the geniuses around me. Am I not too in their midst? Then what am I afraid of?

I need to face up to a lot of such issues that plague my mind, and I'd be glad to get pointers from you. I know you're human too, like me, and you've gone through the same at some point. Help your fellow blogger? :)

?!

Assalam-o-alaikum.

I'm writing this post in the hope that it appears on my blog... the problem is that I've been trying to access my blog to post on it but everytime I try any Blogspot blog, all I get is a 'page cannot be displayed' page!

I've tried several computers and ISPs and everytime it was the same - no blog! However, on some odd days do get through but it still doesn't help...

There was a news bit in 'The News' (Pakistan) that Pakistani (or perhaps Muslim) blogs had been blocked? It was in relation to the cartoon issue, as the authorities (who knows who they are?) thought blogs were being used to 'incite' people, etc.

If it's true, well, I wonder when they're going to unblock us? I'm seriously considering switching to MSN Spaces or some other blog site for the time being, especially if this post doesn't go through either. :(

Btw, I can't access anyone else's blogs either, so I havent been able to keep up with what's going on elsewhere. Sorry! :S

Assalam-o-alaikum!

^...^

Assalam-o-alaikum.

EM would like to let it's readers know that this blog/blogger is going through a short time-related crisis also known as 'I-just-got-into-medical-college-and-they're-killing-me-for-it' or the 'I-know-it-is-silly-to-be-so-busy-that-blogging-is-impossible-but-I-have-many-valid-reasons' and the 'please-forgive-me-I'll-be-back-soon' phase.

EM also makes it clear that it pains the blogger more than anything else to be unable to blog, specifically about Hajj.

EM will be back online, inshAllah, in the first week of April without any boring and unnecessary details on the cause of this unimaginable delay.

To apologise for any inconvenience that EM may have caused during these past weeks, behold the posted photograph from the small town of Badr in Saudi Arabia. The site of the famous and decisive Battle-of-Badr (not shown in the picture) adjoins this stone wall/memorial with the names of the martys/Shuhada listed, fourteen in all.

Please leave your email ID (if you are new to EM) so that you may be informed as soon as the blog is back online.

Assalam-o-alaikum!

Return to Earth

Assalam-o-alaikum!

Alhamdolillah, this Saturday, I returned from Hajj... and what a trip it was! I had never thought one little week could pack such a variety of emotions and events. I visited new places, met new people and learnt some good lessons for life. It may all sound bookish but really, I think, everything about Hajj this year was extra-ordinary!

Alhamdolillah, each and every step of the Hajj itself went smoothly and each has many stories attached with it... I can't wait to get started on the details. As a result of my Hajj this year, I've got much advice for those intending to perform next year... and for the general public, I've got this to say: If you're intending to perform Hajj anytime soon, you'd better go for it now, while you're strong and healthy. Don't wait for your bones to creak because, believe me, it takes a sound and healthy person to perform Hajj. I always marvelled at the stamina and spirit of elderly men and women, leaning on their walking sticks, and walking miles upon miles during Hajj.

Right now, I'm packing because I'm leaving for Karachi in the evening, inshAllah. These past few days were all spent in sleeping and fighting off flu germs and throat infections so I didn't feel like writing anything. InshAllah, from Karachi, I'll be telling you about my Hajj. Interestingly, I kept a journal but as soon as we reached Mina to start Hajj, I found no time to keep up with it.

Really, it's an out-of-the-world experience... literally! You forget that there exists a world outside the Haram area (Makkah, Mina, Arafat... etc.), you forget about world events and the people you share your tent with become almost like family.

Time to leave Tabuk again... Assalam-o-alaikum!

Labbayk! Allahumma labbayk!

I remember a time
When I was small
Trembling in step
Two feet tall

But now that I have
Grown to strength
I raise my head
And question God

Have I forgotten miracles
All around me
And of which
I too was?

My purpose is not life
Nor to give life itself
Nor to serve man
Or to serve myself

All these I do
When I worship God
In my surrender to Him
I am of service to all

------------------------------------------------

Assalam-o-alaikum!

It’s finally here. The day we leave for Hajj is finally here, Alhamdolillah. We’ve been busy packing all day, putting together necessary things at the last moment. It’s weird how important things keep popping up when you’ve got your hands busy with a dozen different things. In fact, my sister wrote about it too at her blog, Milk-n-Cookies!

The fact that we’re going by road makes preparation for the journey a little easier because our car (a remodeled 1986 Mercedes station wagon) can pack most of the tiny ‘bits and pieces’ associated with travel. Thus, taking along spare blankets and mats isn’t much of a problem.

My journal will be with me at all times, inshAllah, to record every step of the journey and when I return, I’ll try to post them here as soon as possible. Although I have already described, in short, the changing landscape between Madinah and Tabuk, I’ll probably do it again… every journey on that old road feels like a first to me.

We’re leaving in the morning, as soon as my father comes back from Fajr prayers. We hope to be on the highway when the sun begins to peep out from behind rolling sand dunes. From Tabuk to Madinah where we intend to stay the night, and on Saturday morning, inshAllah, it’s off to Makkah in Ihram.

I must also add here that I’ll post the second part of my previous post (The New Pakistan) after I return next Saturday, inshAllah. I was surprised to see much reaction and it is true, Faraz Ahmed, that discussion on such a topic is impossible at a blog. However, I am not expressing hatred for the sake of hatred but I wish to shed light on a matter that, like it or not, truly goes against the tenets of Islam. Like Faraz bhai said, what good is our faith if we squash our conscience and trample over our morals in search of progress?

On that note, I’m off. The journey that most Muslims dream of all their lives is right before me, Alhamdolillah. I do not know what this week will bring except that it will certainly be the experience of a lifetime. InshAllah, I hope to return with a clear vision for the future and a blank slate of deeds! Remember me in your prayers as I remember you in mine.

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatohu!

----------------------------------------------------

A sad incident was reported on TV today. A hotel building in Makkah collapsed shortly after Zuhr prayers. It was thought, at first, that a helicopter had crashed into the building but the last news makes no mention of a helicopter. The facts will, no doubt, unfold in the coming time. There have been several deaths, mostly
Egyptians. The victims were all pilgrims… may Allah grant them Paradise! Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon! To Allah we do belong and to Him is our return!

The New Pakistan: Part I

Is it just me or has the Pakistani media gone completely insane?

At first, I was surprised, then faintly worried. After sometime, I really got angry. Now, I just watch in helplessness and resignation.

I change the channel. Again. And Again.

Pervez Musharraf, polishing Pakistan’s image abroad with such confused theories as ‘Enlightened Moderation’, has taken it upon himself to ruin our younger generation. Fine, let me not be as narrow-minded as to blame Musharraf alone. But then, I don’t want to waste time talking of the hidden motives and agendas. I’m more concerned with the effect of such ‘liberalistic’ policies.

Pakistani media, particularly TV, has seen a weird revolution over these past three to four years. I’m narrowing myself down to this time frame because that’s the period in which things blasted forward. Any low-level ‘modernizing’ effort being carried out suddenly got a power boost and the result is before us all today.

Through the ‘90s, the primary TV channel in Pakistan was state-run PTV (Pakistan Television Network) and some associated networks. Drama serials of 13 episodes ran from time to time with popular actors and actresses playing decent roles. The plots were intriguing and Pakistan was a great fan of those drama serials. Western movies telecasted on PTV were censored, and they had good content.

Come 2001 (*cough*September*cough*) and soon, Pakistani media was seeing a change, a revolution of sorts, now that I see what has become of it. There was the news that new private channels were to be launched. Of course, at that time, I was totally unaware of anything negative such channels might bring along.

To cut a long story short, Pakistan saw the launch of new channels between 2003 and 2005. First came Geo TV, launched at 12:00 am 14th August 2003. It came with the slogan of ‘live and let live’… with the word ‘Geo’ being taken in Urdu, meaning simply… ‘Live!’ You can, of course, derive a zillion meanings from that. Geo brought along a host of new dramas, programs and talk shows. Everything seemed fine enough. They put in one or two ‘Islamic’ shows too, to woo the Pakistani audience.

Over the past year, new channels… Hum, Aaj, Geo News, ARY Digital, The Muzik, ARY One World, Fashion TV Pakistan have flooded TV. To the Pakistani government and the general public (especially the middle and upper classes), this is true progress. This is what everyone was waiting for. This is what Pakistan needed. In two to three years, we’ve taken off our ‘madressah’ and ‘radical’ image and taken up the banner of ‘enlightened moderation’.

So what is this ‘enlightened moderation’? What was Pakistan waiting for?

Check any of the abovementioned channels for yourself and you’ll see ‘enlightened moderation’ being lauded and advertised magnificently. As usual, women’s issues top the list. What liberation our new vision has given the Pakistani woman! It’s okay for her to let go of anything Islamic because it’s the 21st century and who needs dupattas, scarves, sleeves and full trousers now? The men of today are civilized! Well, there goes everything! Patches of clothing started disappearing… the midriff, some around the legs, necklines took a dive… I hate writing this but that’s how things are.

Today, the modern Pakistani woman, liberated and free (not truly, even according to the Government’s criteria), can be seen walking the ramp with minimal fabric, or hosting a TV show in a Western style dress (no sleeves, knee length… etc.) or taking some ‘Survivor’ type challenge in the hills of the Himalayas. The same woman will also be found dancing to a medley with her relatives and friends at her sister’s wedding.

I’m not ignorant of the facts. Ever since Pakistan’s creation, there have been Muslim women who chose to wear un-Islamic dressing. Just look at various actresses and singers but then, these were very few and, almost always, elites.

Today, the average Pakistani woman is being depicted on TV with shrinking trousers and tops. Models are idolized and admired by the population such that people, steeped in an inferiority complex, have decided to imitate them in every sense. Go to any birthday party, or Eid dinner, or wedding reception… and you’ll see the average Pakistani woman transformed into a comparable copy of the models.

If you believe that, by and large, the modeling and acting profession is still considered shameful by people, then you’re right (though only barely, because women’s eyes spark up at glimpse of these models and actresses in malls and markets… easily impressed!). However, that might be the case for years but then where is the source of this degeneration?

It comes from a gradual brainwash, a continuous propaganda, an attempt to instill into our minds the glittering images of the ‘modern woman’ through seemingly harmless dramas and movies. What is most harmful is that these things are being carried forward in the name of Islam. A few days ago, a famous TV-actress, dressed in a sort of nightgown, sat interviewing her friend on Aaj TV. Both women continuously praised the ‘recent progress and development seen in the fashion industry’ while frequently saying ‘InshAllah’ and ‘Ma’shAllah’!

A singer of much repute, Najam Sheraz, ever since joining a modernistic-Islamic organization (Arrahman-arraheem.com), starts off his concerts with a Hamd or two. Later, his usual songs are blasted at full volume with un-Islamic lyrics. It isn’t surprising why so many media people have joined this organization… where else would their professions be legalized and recommended with such a big ‘Islamic’ stamp?

I wonder what the world is coming to? Examples I have got a million… consider the recent Lux Style Awards in Karachi, or the Sahara Sangeet Awards in San Francisco… you can see how Pakistan represents itself.

We’re letting go of anything that had remained even remotely Islamic. Enlightenment is the motto of the day and ‘moderation’ is our lifestyle. Come Ramadan and we’ll take flimsy dupattas on our heads and pray for more and more of everything. We might even try to recite the Quran… but an English translation is easier, and that is what ‘enlightened moderation’ means. A few fasts missed, but hey, we’re Muslims, Allah is forgiving! And what about the earthquake? Oh no, it wasn’t a reminder from Allah to right our ways! How could you be so backward as to say such a thing? Allah loves us, and He has given us an opportunity to add to our good deeds by servicing mankind. That is the only truth. That is ‘enlightened moderation’. And that is Islam… I think.

Ahh... my old, creaky bones!

Yesterday, as I got out of the car with my family to go to a store, a weird thought came into my mind: what have I done in my life?

Wait, before you go away, let me explain. I meant that I suddenly felt I was towards the end of my life… or that I’d spent all there was so spend in the manner of life.

As soon as the thought came to my mind, I shook my head in disbelief. Why did I feel I was an old woman?! I just turned nineteen about two months ago and I’m wondering about my life?! At first, I was confused, then I tried to derive some sort of reason.

First, I put it on my parents because I felt they talked much about having grown old and not finding this or that interesting anymore. That might be part of the reason but, as I realized later, definitely not the real cause.

It’s because I am no longer interested in or impressed with the latest fashion trends (disappearing fabric) displayed by models, or famous TV actors and actresses. In fact, I’ve even cut myself off from music that I liked… that played a big role. My mind is trying to focus on a serious reality, trying to discipline fantasy while retaining my own identity, my creativity. I try to observe and move with caution, rather than play my way through life without caring for the consequences.

The youth of today experiences such thought and change of focus after thirty, even forty. That’s probably why I can’t consider myself as part of that crazy, carefree youth anymore and the only logical category is the ‘above forty’ bloc.

True, I didn’t like the feeling of oldness that I experienced for a second. But now that I’ve analyzed the cause, I feel much better. My faith and my opinions are not to blame and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The blame lies with me for thinking myself as old. Perhaps in relation to my fellow teenagers, I judge myself as old and wrinkling. I differ in thought and automatically, I differ in age? That should not be so.

Hehe, it’s quite funny too, in a way. Maybe I’m over-reacting and it’s just because of the cold winter and silence in Tabuk. Maybe it’s because our friends in Tabuk have all gone on to other places and we’re the last ones to move. The rooms in our apartment echo with past laughter and memories of a sweet childhood. When we drive around the city, familiar landmarks, old parks and markets remind us of times… of friends who moved on. Perhaps it really is time for us to go too. Perhaps this parting from a secure place is like death to me. Perhaps I feel I’ve grown old and my time is come.

It was a sweet, wonderful life, with the good and sad moments all together. Now that I’ve spent it, it seems like a very small period.

Already I understand how people will feel about their life on the Day of Judgment! A day or a day-and-a-half at the most!