Ma'salamah!

Assalam-o-alaikum!

I'm travelling today, in about two hours, returning to Karachi, inshAllah. Expect a gap of, inshAllah, not more than a week before I post again. I see my previous post generated an enraged reply from an American, Devril and I understand that part of that was because I hadn't added that 'note' at the top of the post. InshAllah, I'll reply to you soon, Devril, in case you're reading this right now... the only reason I am not doing that right now is what I've stated above. :)

I'm going to miss Tabuk like crazy, I'm sure. I can hear Isha'a azan in the background, the last I'll hear in Tabuk, or maybe not, if Allah wills. I hope, I pray that we may return for Umrah one day soon, inshAllah.

But for now, it's farewell to the shimmering golden sands of Saudi Arabia! Thank you Allah for giving so much to me, so many lessons, so much guidance, and the chance to visit Makkah so often. Thankyou for letting me live in a place near which your prophets Abraham, Moses, Isaac, Ismael, David, Solomon, Isa (Jesus)... (may Allah be pleased with them all) lived. And thank you for letting me live where Muhammad (peace be upon him) also lived and practiced and preached.

Alhamdolillah!

Assalam-o-alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatohu!
(May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you all!)

Assalam-o-alaikum!

Dreams and Destinations

This is something I wrote way back in December, left incomplete and then finished off last week. Two people close to me have been mentioned herein by their real names and they've already read it. I thought it'd be nice to put it up on the blog too, even though it's too long for a post (but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it!).

This is a story, as of yet, without a title.

.::::::::.

I turned onto my side and yawned lazily. Random thoughts drifted in and out of my head, signaling the approach of deep slumber. There was nothing really to worry about, life felt good, comfortable. Automatically, a small note of thanks took birth in my heart and floated off to Allah.

I happily let my conscious float over the memory trunk and search through its contents. A pleasant youth, carefree and fresh greeted me, and I felt my heartstrings being tugged, gently and forcefully at the same time. A barrage of memories flowed forth, like a flood, enveloping me, as I thought back to my early life. Wonderful times I had spent with my family, each day, each moment relived in heart, and my fingertips tingled as I struggled to touch that life again – to hold on to it and never, ever let go.

I could not survive long against my memories. Youth was soon replaced by adolescence and adulthood… now the images moved as though like an accelerating train, and I a lonely bystander, awed and overcome by the winds it blew up. University, friends, teachers, professors, associates and then laughter, arguments, theories, plans, hopes, dreams, wishes, aspirations, pain, joy, tension, excitement…I felt every emotion all over again. Within nanoseconds, it was all over and I vaguely wondered whether that had been all? Had my adolescence tricked me? Was time so cruel?

I could not stop to mull over all that… there was more. Here, I felt my life turn a bend in the road. It was as if one moment, I was soaring in the air, and the next, I had dived into the sea, swimming through its depths, exploring new life and yet being held back by the resistance of the water currents. It was still beautiful, some might argue the deepest sea has hidden treasures that land might never uncover, and I felt every joy of life over and over again. Marriage… a new human being to learn to live with, a new environment and a new land, new air to breath in. Hardly had I learned how to live myself, and I was now guiding into life, tiny little human beings with eyes and noses just like mine.

There were strong currents too, in those times, when I felt resistance was useless and life would break apart. But things moved on, and every time I swam up to the surface and caught a glimpse of that clear, blue sky, I learnt a new lesson for the future, for a happier life thereon. I felt warm, comfortable... the wisdom of Islam had guided me at every point of my life, every point... every moment, every thought.

I smiled happily, my eyes closed, calm and content… my heart beat gently, softly…

Life was running along smoothly now… I untangled myself from my memories. I didn’t have to open my eyes, I could hear deep breathing, proof that the person with whom I shared my life, was still there, beside me. In the next room, one, two, three children lay asleep in their beds, dreaming innocent dreams of toys, toffees and ice creams! The house was silent, but outside, the shrubs and trees in the garden played with the breeze… nature’s melodies lulled life into a deep sleep.

Unknowingly, my thoughts turned to the future. What would the coming life have in store for us? When was my life, my test, to be turned in for assessment? As I thought of this, my memory trunk rattled and shook, as if making its presence felt. Was there anything left in that rickety old assembly of wood? I took hold of the latch and raised the lid… and… and

Sweet melodies… sweet melodies… a myriad of aromas… the coolest breeze…

I tried to open my eyes but a bright, golden light shone in the room, and I had to squint until everything became clearer. Like the light that filled the room, there seemed to be something glowing within me, making me happier and happier with every passing moment.

Conscious thought started drifting back… had I fallen asleep? Was it morning already? But the sun had never seemed so beautiful… it’s light had never woken me so…

I shielded my eyes from the brilliant glow overhead and then, two faces appeared overhead, blocking out the light.
‘Hello? Anyone home?’

That voice was so familiar! I rubbed my eyes and tried to clear my mind.

‘Anam! Saima!’ I recognized my cousins and the shock and surprise was clearly evident on my face.

‘No, it’s Twinkie and Smokey!’ said Saima, rolling her eyes. She was referring to her pet turtles.
‘But how’re you here? Where’s my family? Who brought me here?’ I demanded, confused.

Anam frowned. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
I looked up at my cousins, taking in their appearances for the first time. Dressed in stunning garments, flowing robes of enchanting colors and jewels that glittered even in the shade, they were looking nothing like… like… they usually did. What had they done to their hair? It looked like both had joined some cool beauty parlor that had come up with stunning, never-before-done hairstyles. A streak of irritation crossed my mind – they hadn’t invited me! For a moment, I was stumped. Then, I smiled.

‘I’m dreaming, that’s it! This is a dream! Cool, by the way, you both look fantastic!’ I beamed up at them. Then, with a wide yawn, I closed my eyes, preferring to fall asleep again, even in my dream.

‘I told her! I told her to go easy on the grapes! She’s so sleepy, she’s gone nuts!’ exclaimed, Saima.
‘She’s just joking, Saima!’ said Anam, with finality. ‘Come on, Ameera, jig’s up… let’s go… we’ve been lying here for hours. There are some places I’ve been meaning to check out!’
Saima chuckled. ‘Yeah, and you’re going to die tomorrow, so you’d better get your last wish!’
Both cracked up at this for some crazy reason. Why was Anam dying? And why were they laughing over such a serious issue?

‘It’s not funny!’ I said, confused and irritated. ‘You can’t just make fun of death! Don’t you two have any sense? Does dressing up and acting like you’re young convince you that you’ll never die?!’

I made to get up, but Anum and Saima were suddenly very serious, looking down at me with shocked and bewildered expressions.
‘What are you talking about?’ asked Anam, raising an eyebrow, at which I noticed she had plucked her eyebrows and given them a sleek shape.
‘You made your eyebrows again?!’ I blurted out, not wishing to believe it. ‘I thought you’d given it up for good?’
Anam and Saima looked at each other uneasily.
‘Ameera, you need to take a deep breath,’ said Saima slowly, as if talking to a three-year old.
‘I’m perfectly fine,’ I said loudly. ‘I’m just dreaming!’
‘And when you wake up, you will be… where?’ asked Anam, looking at me closely. Her jewels glistened and sparkled enchantingly.

‘I’ll be at home, in my bedroom, sleeping in my bed…I’ll wake up for Fajr, get the kids ready for school, college! You know the routine! I’ll probably call you to tell the real you about this crazy dream!’ I started laughing. ‘Why am I even having this silly conversation?’

Saima and Anum looked at each other again, and some weird understanding dawned on their faces.

‘See, I told you it was the grapes!’ said Saima, shaking her head. ‘Too much sleep…she’s losing it!’
‘No, I’m not!’ I said with growing indignation. ‘Just wait till I tell your real selves how silly you are in dreams!’

‘Yeah, but first you have to wake up!’ said Anam, suddenly, as, grabbing hold of my hand, she pulled me up into a sitting position. Saima moved out of the way and when I saw what lay spread out before me, I almost fainted. Shaken, I felt the grass beneath my hands, it was cool and dewy. My eyes took in a picture of indescribable beauty… lawns… rivers, falls, hills, gardens…no imagination, no dream could ever have witnessed this…

Suddenly, my vision cleared up, all sleepiness was gone from my mind. Truth, reality hit me hard.

I fell backwards on the grass, and my expressions must have spoke volumes.
‘Okay now?’
‘You were dreaming about your life, weren’t you?’ asked Anam, clearly intrigued. ‘Cool, that’s the first time I’ve seen it happen! I’ve only just heard of people believing they were still living on Earth! Never saw it in person!’

‘I’m alive,’ was all I could manage. The last bits of memory clicked into place and I buried my face in my hands on instinct, remembering that long process… years, centuries it had seemed. Long lines, accountability… death had not been the end itself! But we were past that! We were past all that and by the grace of Allah, by His great Mercy, we were in… Paradise! Heaven! Jannat!

I remembered everything. I raised my gaze towards the sky and wondered if the miracles and surprises in this blessed land were ever going to end.

I suddenly felt like laughing.
‘Come on,’ I said, getting up from the grass. ‘I’ve got to tell Amma and Abba about this!’
I set off down the hill when Saima called out from behind, ‘You’re actually going to walk on a beautiful day like this?’
I thought for a moment and then shook my head.

I spread my wings and took flight.

.::::::::.

I know! I know I should add this one word: InshAllah!

Everything's fine... right?

Have you ever had an experience where you were expecting something wonderful to happen, yet the outcome wasn't very pleasing?

We were supposed to go back to Karachi today. Well, it rained heavily there the last week, leading to some flooding, especially on one main street where I live. The important fact was that there was no college last week, and some chance for this week. Well, I decided yesterday, just before Fajr, while consulting the calendar, that we could move our departure forward by a week.

It was an exciting thought, and I told Abba about it as soon as I got the chance. He was okay with it, he said, and agreed. Yet, I told him, and my sisters, not to tell Amma about the plan. This way she'd get her packing done and we'd tell her towards the end as a suprise.

Well, keep this secret within myself for a day and half was difficult! Amma was rushing about trying to get everything done, even when we went out, we had to main an act of appearing a bit sad at leaving Tabuk. Well, ofcourse I am sad at leaving Tabuk but when I know we're going, not when I know we've moved it forward!

Anyway, our flight was supposed to be at 11:55 pm today, so Amma made us get up early and gave orders to complete our tasks. By this time, I was feeling guilty seeing the effort Amma was putting into her work, while being a worried about getting things done in time. It was difficult! And what's more, we were packing clothes and shoes we'd be needing this week here! What a waste of time.

We gave Amma the surprise an hour ago over lunch, when Abba came back from office. Okay, so she was suprised! And she did eventually become relaxed. But seeing her tense all day today took away a great big chunk of the happiness I was expecting. In fact, I am now wondering over the wisdom of my decision - not only to tell Amma the surprise about 8 hours before the departure time, but also the idea of moving the departure forward in the first place!

She's called Pakistan and told our relatives we're coming, she's told some friends (the ones remaining in Tabuk) that we're going. And even as I failed to notice, to an extent, even I had this idea made up in my mind that we were in fact going to leave today.

I shouldn't be this... confused? Sad? Regretful? I don't now. I shouldn't be feeling awkward anyway. Maybe it's because I fear I might be missing college, or that it would be difficult to be able to get seats next week? Or that our relatives might find it a stupid idea, especially when it turns out it originated in my head?

I feel weird. I shouldn't, though, especially when I've already offered two Nawafil, followed by a Dua to Allah to guide my decision - I did this yesterday after Fajr... after telling Abba to change the departure date. Should I have done that before taking the decision? I'm confused.

For you, dear reader, there's a lesson in this. A surprise may not always turn out as you expect. And for this reason, I'm now wary of surprises. I don't want any part in them anymore because sometimes, they come with a heavy price.

Assalam-o-alaikum.

End of Chapter 1

Assalam-0-alaikum.

Three days from today, inshAllah, I'll be boarding an aeroplane at Tabuk's old-fashioned, small-town aiport. As the aircraft will gain height, I'll look out of the window to see the little yellow lights become smaller, smaller... I'll have to crane my neck to see them before they disappear at last.

That's probably going to be my last glimpse of Tabuk and here's why: We're finally leaving Tabuk with 'Exit Only' instead of 'Exit & Re-Entry permitted' stamped on our passports. Ofcourse, we've known this was going to happen for years, ever since my father arrived in developing Tabuk in 1978, and especially since I, my mother and sisters moved back to Pakistan in 2000. You can't live in Saudi Arabia forever, you can't have the nationality, even if you're born here. Even so, being born here and being half-Arab (in all the things that matter) for the past twenty years, it feels weird to tell myself that I'm not coming home again next summer.

How do you get yourself to accept that the place you've spend your whole childhood in, every nook and cranny having some special story attached, you're going to leave and never come back? Can you imagine that happening to you? As for me, the whole thing becomes a bit more complex from the Islamic point of view. Tabuk is midway between Makkah and Jerusalem (or properly, between Makkah and the Jerusalem area). Lebanon is just a 5-hour or less drive away.

The desert, beautiful and serene surrounds us. In countless dust-storms, long drives and Umrah trips, we've breathed in the fresh, pure desert air that reminds us of life's true purpose and the messages of the prophets. Blessed with the olive and it's oil, this land relates to the Quran and it's teachings in such a way that it's difficult to love any other part of the world, if you've lived here once.

We've been packing and shopping this month. It's like a race against time to see everything, go everywhere, experience all the joys we've experienced here... one last time. Seeing our old school, the places we went out to eat, where we picnicked, where old friends lived... one last time.

My father will join us later, inshAllah, after resigning from his job and packing up the rest of the stuff after Eid. Our Umrah trip about two weeks ago, was the last in our own car, driving around as we wished. InshAllah, there shall be more. But it felt strange to say goodbye to the Holy cities, praying at the same time that we'd be able to see them again.

The reason we're leaving, in truth, is that our family has to settle down in Karachi now. Some basic jobs have been put on hold for a long time, and we've got to take care of that now... and my father's retiring next year anyway. For him, saying goodbye to Tabuk is harder, having seen it grow before his eyes in these thiry years. He loves spending Ramadan here and we know how much he's going to miss that too.

For a while, I was very sad at having to leave the place I call my spiritual home. But then, I had to focus on the bigger picture - this world wasn't supposed to be a permanent home... we're travellers, moving on from one place to another. And death will catch up on us one day or the other. The important thing is to be happy, and pray for good health wherever you are. Memories of great times will remain with you always but you can't hold on to time - you've got to let it go.

Last Friday, after Fajr prayers, we got into the car and drove to a park constructed along a major highway along Tabuk, between the city on one side and the farmlands on the other. We set out for a walk on the walking strip along the park - it was a beautiful morning, chilly (desert extremes in summer!) and it felt great to breathe in pure air, smelling of dewy grass in the farms. As we walked along, laughing and waiting for the sun to rise, I knew that we were all thinking the same thing... we were all learning to say goodbye to our home, the beautiful city of Tabuk.

Maybe I'll see you again one day Tabuk. Indeed I have prayed that I be able to visit or possibly live in Tabuk one day again. That I'd be able to call my parents too, on visa. That daydream went a long way!

While in Makkah for Umrah this month, I didn't like the idea of saying goodybe to it. I love Makkah with all my heart. But my father told me of something that made me feel better: When the Prophet (pbuh) emigrated to Madinah, he took a different route out of Madinah. When this road crossed the common route at one point, he looked in the direction of Makkah with great longing. These verses were revealed at that time, which my father also recited as we drove out of the city:

Verily He Who ordained the Qur'an for thee, will bring thee back to the Place of Return (Makkah).

(28:85)